Struggling to lose weight? Struggle no more: Take your cues from a finicky 14-month-old—and watch the pound melt away! (From Parenting Magazine, Nov. 2000)

Breakfast
Itty-bitty sip of orange juice
Grudging drop of milk
4 puny bites of scrambled egg
53 Cheerios
(70 calories)

Mid-morning snack
1 corner of a library book
(0 calories, plus fiber)

Lunch
Teensy sip of pear juice
6 little cubes of cheese
Microscopic nibble of a graham cracker
15 minutes of fist sucking
(49 calories)

Late-afternoon snack
3 dust bunnies
Residue from the dog dish
1 dead moth
(18 calories, some protein, and an effective appetite suppressant for the rest of the day)

Dinner
1 spoonful of applesauce, flung at the ceiling
1 bite of creamed spinach from you plate (spit out)
10 bites of creamed spinach from your spouse’s plate
3 calories, thanks to the energy you burn by flinging, spitting, and competing with your toddler for access to your spouse’s food)

Bedtime snack
Enormous mouthful of toothpaste
(0 calories)

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER. "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS. "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.  "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're at wit's end.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
 

I have often wondered, during those rare times that I manage to go
out in public without my children, if I bear some distinguishing mark
that identifies me as a mother.  Surely I must exhibit certain
characteristics unique to mothers of all ages and income levels.  As
a bird watcher looks for an unusual crest or listens carefully for a
specific songbird's call, could  not a mother watcher locate a woman
with children, even when she did not have her children with her?
Carrying this one step further, I began to develop a  theory that not
only could one recognize a mother, but like the bird watcher, could
identify the various stages of motherhood development through careful
observation. On this premise, I have created a field guide to mothers
of  North America.

* A hatchling mother (birth to six months) will exhibit unique
characteristics. She may, while standing in line at the grocery
store, gently bounce a 25 pound sack of potatoes on her hip, to keep
it entertained.  She may, upon hearing  someone else's baby cry,
quickly cross her arms over her chest to stop the involuntary milk
let-down reflex.  She is likely to have mastered the ability to pick
up objects with her feet, without interrupting the ritual baby dance,
perfected in the first six months of motherhood.  She  will,
undoubtedly, exhibit the universal signs of new motherhood: dark half
moons under the eyes, and a spit-up stain down the back of her left
shoulder.  An  examination of her purse contents will reveal baby
Anbesol, Tylenol elixir with the eye-dropper top; the pediatrician's
office, beeper, and home phone numbers; a two-week-old list of things
to do (still undone); a few  birth announcements that have not yet
been addressed; and a large bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.

* A nestling mother (6 to 12 months) can be picked out of a crowd by
looking for a woman who double ties her shoes, smells faintly of
diaper wipes and apple juice, and has one arm much stronger than the
other.  She will jump to catch any falling object seen out of the
corner of her eye, and will have it in her hand before she is aware
of having reached for it.  An examination of  her purse contents will
reveal a set of brightly colored plastic keys, a  slightly crushed
package of crackers from the salad bar two weeks ago, the  contents
of her wallet strewn all over the inside, a bent pair of sunglasses,
and a large bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.

* A fledgling mother (12 to 24 months) will exhibit a singular
vocabulary, rich in two syllable words.  A seemingly intelligent
woman will suddenly  want to use the potty or show you a boo-boo.
She will be the one looking around anxiously when someone else's
child calls, "MOMMY!" The truly devoted will answer "yes, dear?  I'm
right here!" before embarrassment can win out over instinct.  At the
end of each day, she falls exhausted into bed and goes night-night.
In her purse is a crayon fragment, a half-chewed bite of the grocery
store's daily free sample wrapped in a napkin, one plastic block, and
a large bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.

* A juvenile mother (two to five years) can also be easily
recognized.  Some  tell-tale signs are a cartoon-character bandage on
her finger, a ketchup-colored  hand print streaked across her sleeve,
and legs that haven't seen a razor  lately.  She will be the one with
the grateful, silly smile on her lips when the stranger beside her
has a 2-year-old clinging desperately to one leg screaming, "I want
it!"  When driving down the highway, you can recognize her as the one
who appears to be talking loudly to herself. Closer inspection will
often reveal one or more full car seats in the back.  She's probably
singing "The Wheels on the Bus" with gusto.  Her purse contains Band-
Aids; Neosporin; a straw; a Barbie shoe or Hot Wheels car (or both);
an emergency package of candy; a checkbook covered with artistic
renderings of cats, flowers, and suns; and a large bottle of extra-
strength Tylenol.

* You will recognize the mature mother (6 to 12 years) as the one who
crosses to the opposite side of the mall and quickens her speed, when
a toy store is spotted. She doesn't carry a purse but usually shoves
things into a fanny pack or her pockets.  You will know her by her
grocery store cart which will contain  three family-sized packs of
hot dogs, a case of Spaghettio's, and four boxes of cereal with three
gallons of milk. Savvy in the appropriate value of a lost tooth when
placed beneath the pillow, she is also the one who will be able to
help when a stranger asks, "Does anyone have a tissue?"

* The teen mother (ages 13-19 years) has one characteristic.  This
mother only appears to be by herself. Look closely: her child is
probably 10 steps behind her, trailing in anguished embarrassment,
trying desperately to appear alone.  An examination of her purse
contents will reveal a permission  slip (due yesterday), a piece of
sea grass from the weekend at the beach, a wilted flower, a Gameboy
cartridge, and a large bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.

* The young adult mother (age 20 up) has the distinguishing marks of
an empty checkbook, a rugged, rusted but trustworthy minivan, and a
vague recollection that she has a husband.  If she has not "gone back
to work" (who says she  ever stopped?), she is delivering Meals-on-
Wheels, shelves books at the library, shuttles back and forth to the
airport at least 20 times every holiday and gives short courses in
"How to Do your own Darn Laundry."  Her purse contents include
postage stamps, tuition bill receipts, Tums, an extra hair scrunchie
and brush (for a child away at college who never claimed it), and a
large bottle of extra-strength Tylenlol.

In using your field guide, it is important to remember that a mother
can only be spotted during special seasons of her life, and once
mature, she will gradually blend back into society.  Her migratory
routes through Toys-R-Us and K-Mart will cease, her checkbook will
have a positive balance again and the basic functions of speech and
concentration will slowly return.  The final challenge she faces is
the difficult and emotional task of convincing  her brood to leave
the nest. Depending upon the migratory habits of her offspring, this
may take anywhere from 18 to 36 years.
 

• Better to be safe than.......punch a 5th grader.
• Strike while the.......bug is close.
• It's always darkest before.......daylight savings time.
• Never underestimate the power of.......termites.
• You can lead a horse to water but.......how?
• Don't bite the hand that.......looks dirty.
• No news is.......impossible.
• A miss is as good as a.......Mr.
• You can't teach an old dog.......math.
• If you lie down with dogs, you.......will stink in the morning.
• Love all, trust.......me.
• The pen is mightier than.......the pigs.
• An idle mind is.......the best way to relax.
• Where there is smoke, there's.......pollution.
• Happy is the bride who.......gets all the presents.
• A penny saved is.......not much.
• Two is company, three's.......The Musketeers.
• None are so blind as.......Helen Keller.
• Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.
• If at first you don't succeed.......get new batteries.
• You get out of something what you.......see pictured on the box.
• When the blind lead the blind.......get out of the way.
• There is no fool like.......Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and.......you have to blow your nose.